See beneath my perfect
Who am I? Does that mean where I’m from? What I do? What I may become one day? What I love and fear? What I have gained and what I have lost? I am not defined by just one thing, I am an combination of various aspects of my life and what my journey/ life has taught me. Now if I am being a 100% honest, I’ve been searching for answers for a long time now, to be completely sure of what I want from this life, what I stand for, why I am and Who am I?
From what I remember, I have always been very quiet and observant. Instead of talking to people I tend to study and observe them. It definitely sounds very creepy but I think that is why I notice the smallest change in people’s voice, looks, manners. Most of the times I think it’s my fault, for something I said or did. My life is continuous overthinking. I don’t talk too much because most of the times I am afraid of people’s reaction to my words. I am scared that people might judge me and might think of me as someone that I am not just from my words. I don’t speak in my classes, I don’t ask questions just because I am scared that people will think I am stupid or I don’t know anything. I don’t know how to deal with this. I am better at helping and guiding others than myself, I am the pole star, always there to guide the wander.
Whenever something even slightly offensive is thrown my way, my heart aches and skips a beat. These tiny things mostly consisted of words strung together, often formed to convey jokes or meaningless banter or even small actions of disloyalty. I get angry very easily but I don’t show it that often. I try to stay calm on the outside and I try my best to make others feel at peace, just like the waves. If I am mocked constantly I lose my mind and after a while I feel ridiculous for getting upset. Some things, some words stay with me forever, no matter how much I try to forget it. That incident passes by but the memory remains just like the aftereffects of an earthquake or an volcanic eruption. At the same time they remind me of this wonderful gift that I have been given, it allows me to feel every emotion entirely. Being sensitive means that I love deeply and I get hurt easily. For the longest time, I was looking to be loved, but that changed when I needed to love myself and spread the love to everyone around me. People are like puzzles to me and I really want to fix them with love.
On the other hand, I am an unplugged radish; the lush green leaves give away nothing of what is within. While I always want to understand people, I rarely express myself and others find it hard to understand the mysterious world that lies within my head and where I wander off when there is nothing else to do. But since I understand this aspect of me I don’t push my relations. I wait patiently for them to discern.
Answering the question “Who am I” is quite complex. But I think who am I is what I choose to be. So I choose to be different, I choose to be sensitive, I choose to be emotional, I choose to be optimistic, I choose to be weird, I choose to be goofy, I choose to be ME and I choose to be Shuchi. I know at this moment that there was and never will be anyone exactly the same as me.
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